Don’t Speak

I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t speak… „

Pick up from here.

Iunia feels very sad. She just walked John out and the courage he spoke of seems to have vanished somehow. She feels as if someone died, but surely this is just the end of… of what? Of something she can’t really identify, but still… John was, he was almost perfect. She made her feel free, didn’t feel like hiding her body’s flaws. It was reassuring to have a photographer in her bed, one she assumed, saw a lot of half naked women. With these thoughts in her mind, she gazes at her body in the bathroom mirror, before stepping into the shower.

As it always happens, she feels a lot better after the shower. So she decides to check facebook and try to settle things with Ben. Fucking Benji! The girls are chatting, as usual, she missed a lot of messages. Also, more than 20 messages from Ben await. As the judge usually gets a pause before setting the sentence, Iunia chooses to lift her mood with her friends’ small talk – clearly, they spoke about men. But she’s done in a few minutes…

Ben: Ok, I understand

Ben: Please… I need to see you

Iunia types: Are you there?

Ben: Yes, baby… I haven’t slept. I am hangover… 😦

Iunia: Aren’t we too old for such behavior?

Ben: You admit you slept with him to get over me?

Iunia: No, of course not!  Take a shower and let’s talk this over. I hate loose ends!

Ben: Can I come over…

Iunia: No, let’s have lunch!

All I think about is… coming over, coming over… give away this, give away that…

Iunia doesn’t feel like a grown up right now, sitting at the table and waiting for Ben. His presence is announced by his wood-like scent and soon he places a kiss on her neck – a kiss that’s a little mind fucking. She’s already softened by the time he sits.

– You look old! Iunia smiles at him

– I missed you! I am old! You keep forgetting that I am old!

– I missed you too… I missed you until I decided I am stupid!

Ben reaches for her hand over the table and caresses her hand. She lets him do it.

– Baby, don’t be like that… you act stupid sometimes, I give you that. I am not even mad, now at least I have calmed down. I can’t say that I understand completely, but you make me feel more alive than I was in the past ten years. I won’t settle for whatever’s left, but I know you still have feelings for me. I love you! I miss your sweet flowery perfume, I miss the way your body fits into my arms, I love the way you laugh when you feel relaxed. Don’t deny me all that!

– Don’t say that! Iunia’s eyes are filled with tears. She puts the napkin on the table and gets up. You are an asshole and I mean it. Bye!

Iunia was always cautious about making a scene, she usually avoided carefully anything that looked like a conflict. This dialogue didn’t pick anyone’s attention. She leaves the restaurant dignified. But as she walks out, she suddenly feels lightheaded, puts a hand on the nearby wall and tries to pace her breathing. Her heart is pounding, she can recognize the symptoms of a panic attack. Ben picks her from under the arm and carries her to his car. Steadily he puts her in the back seat and climbs near her. Her body’s all tense as he pulls her in his arms. Ben gently fondles her hair and repeats: I promise I won’t leave! I promise I won’t ever leave you!




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