I am reading a book called “Everything is Illuminated” by Jonathan Safran Foer. I spoke of it once I finished watching its screened version with Elijah Wood as main character. Leaving aside the fact that it’s a very good movie, the screen player must have been a genius to make such a cohesive plot. The book develops under three action plans: one that unites the three main characters in a journey, one in a form of a letter exchange and one presumably about the past. I say presumably ’cause it’s the past imagined by the “hero”, the one making the journey in search of his ancestors. 

I had to see the movie three times to understand, or at least hope to understand. I haven’t finished the book yet, but yesterday I read something that seemed to resonate well with me. I often see myself as a misunderstood person. I rather lose myself in an imagined future, a future where my place is the right place. I am tired of always complaining that the planets aren’t aligned, or my horoscope is not favorable. The truth is I never gave anything the smallest chance. The odds are always against me, ’cause I expect them to be. The future is  not bright ’cause I never expected it to be. May seem trivial, but since the present is nothing less than yesterday’s future…I don’t know, I give up. And the more I think about it the more it makes sense that I always outgrew the present, ’till I felt it no longer fit me. 

It came as a surprise when my former employer told me that he can’t stop me from resigning since I seemed discontent all the time. I never stopped to smell the roses ’cause I felt I deserved to smell the hibiscus. And when you realize all that, you feel more alone than ever before. May seem as the end of an era. But it’s not! I’ll survive, as the song says. I will live to see me happy in the very place I am at the time. It may take me a while to get there, but I am still young. 

I will leave the quote from the book at the end, for everyone to enjoy. It’s nice to know that others felt the same, makes you feel less alone in your solitude. Right know I wish I had more words to express myself, and this makes me a little sad. 

“SADNESS OF THE INTELLECT: Sadness of being misunderstood [sic]; Humor sadness; Sadness of love wit[hou]t release; Sadne[ss of be]ing smart; Sadness of not knowing enough words to [express what you mean]; Sadness of having options; Sadness of wanting sadness; Sadness of confusion; Sadness of domes[tic]ated birds, Sadness of fini[shi]ng a book; Sadness of remembering; Sadness of forgetting; Anxiety sadness…”